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Posted by
Press Inquiries
2 months ago
Moderator of r/relationship_adviceComments are lockedStickied post

TL;DR on Throwaways: If you wish to request relationship advice, please start your new username with ThrowRA -- it relaxes the content checks a bit on your post.

TL;DR on Updates: If you post updates: try to limit it to just one unless you're asking for follow-up advice, and don't ever feel obligated to update everyone here.


For regulars: We took a LOT of good feedback on the two new rules (the Updates rule and the Throwaways rule). We're hoping this is a pretty good compromise between the concerns everyone raised versus the need to defuse some of the more prolific trolling:

  1. Throwaways: We relaxed the rule such that we're not automatically removing every post from a new account. In other words, every account can post to r/relationship_advice.

  • One bit of feedback we got is that a ton of people who post here are posting from new accounts because they've been led here from other platforms, e.g. facebook, twitter, tumblr, etc., for help. Knowing this, we changed how we're handling the rule.

  • That said, while we're applying content checks to posts more rigorously when they don't begin with ThrowRA, it's never an automatic removal.

  • yes, we stopped checking for the hyphen (It used to be ThrowRA-; now it's just ThrowRA and not case-sensitive). Apparently it's almost impossible to copy the text on mobile and include the hyphen, and tons of people were just forgetting it, so we dropped the hyphen.

  1. Updates: Updates asking for specific follow-up advice are totally fine. Updates that don't actually ask for advice are limited to only one.

  • We recognize the gaping loophole this appears to leave, but honestly, it keeps the comments on-track with advice-focused conversation rather than derailed threads on unrelated topics like politics.

  • Apparently a lot of you really like updates. So we're trying to strike a balance between updates and new posts.

  • Any update that asks for specific follow-up advice ("Hey Reddit; I did this thing from my last thread, and this happened. How do I fix this?") are totally fine.

  • But back to back updates ("Hey Reddit! I did this thing today!" day 2: "Hey Reddit! Life's pretty good now!" day 3: "Hey Reddit! Thanks for all your help, we'll be together after all!") -- Those can be condensed all into one post; the play-by-play isn't needed.

  • In all honesty, I personally communicated this rule very poorly. I'm genuinely sorry about that.

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comment
4.8k
Posted by
Press Inquiries
8 months ago
ArchivedComments are lockedStickied post
PlatinumGoldSilver3

Since two or three times a week we end up removing a few threads on why everyone keeps suggesting breakups, rather than micromanage the community, we figured this post would be prudent:

You know how every Uber rating is right on the verge of 5 stars unless something's particularly off? Everyone's all "A+++ WOULD RIDE AGAIN." Same for eBay, Amazon, etc.

Well, think of r/relationship_advice comments as much the same, only inverted. Two things to always keep in mind:

  1. The vast majority of people posting here are posting because they've got a challenge they probably haven't been able to resolve on their own.

  2. In many cases, these challenges are insurmountable (or just exceedingly difficult to deal with).

The majority of commenters aren't necessarily cynical/assholes, but combine both a one-sided account of what happened—your account—with each commenter's own potential history, grievances, etc., and the resulting brew is pretty dark, meaning that every post will get drenched in comments like "dump" and "lawyer up."

The key is that the number of serious comments telling you to consider an alternative to breaking up is a good way to tell whether or not there's merit to continuing what you've got going. Examples:

  • Let's say you're asking whether a particular behavior is a red flag, and that behavior is so bad, the flag's not so much dyed red as it is literally bleeding. Nearly every single comment will probably tell you to run. Cool; Zero Stars. Shoot I might even lock the thread and tell you it's above our paygrade.

  • Together but your s/o cheated on you once? Most comments will probably tell you to run because "once a cheater, always a cheater." Some comments might suggest you should stay and work it out, but the details of how the cheating happened might vary the number of these comments. Great; One or Two Stars.

  • Married but your s/o got drunk and made out with someone else, felt awful about it, immediately left the event where they met that other person and told you what happened and apologized with no prior history of cheating? Many people might still tell you to leave (same reason), but odds are good that equally as many people might tell you to consider staying. Awesome; Two, maybe even three stars.

4.8k
52 comments
579

I have been dating this girl for about 4 months and it has been fantastic I couldn’t ask for anything better.

She is a proper athlete she has ripped abs biceps etc etc

Now I’m tall lanky (and by lanky I mean my arms and legs are actually abnormally long) no muscle no abs etc

I’ve voiced how I am insecure about my body in the past and this is why I wear jumpers all the time because it hides my skinny arms.

We were talking last night on FT when I say “I actually have no idea how I’ve got the best girlfriend”

And she says “I have no idea how I’m with you either because that body and those long arms certainly don’t attract me in anyway you really should get to the gym”....

It made me feel like complete shit and I’ve told her this and now we are fighting and she keeps saying sorry but to be told my body is unattractive really hurt my feelings.

Can someone tell me how to go about this?

Thanks

579
196 comments
10.7k

Hi r/all. Edit at bottom.

My wife has always been weird about sleep. She has always gotten angry at me if i fall asleep watching tv or want to sleep in longer than her. Even saying you are tired upsets her. She was like this before we married and ive personally made peace with the weirdness. Many arguments over years its not a marriage deal breaker.

When she was a child she was her mothers emotional surrogate. She slept in same bed as mom and im assuming she controlled her sleeping schedule tightly enough its caused the issue. I mostly ignore the quirk and nap when im gonna nap now after 17 years of marriage im happy to ignore issue.

But our son is now a teenager. And teenagers sleep schedules are odd. Ive previously shut down attempts for her to over control him if she had her way over years im sure there would be an r/insaneparents post about her. I offset it and push for his personal space privacy ect. But now shes getting concerned about his sleeping. Shes waking him up as soon as she does and talking about banning electronics and other punishments unless he wakes up at normal times ect. And im just... this is normal. You cant punish a teenager for their sleep schedule changing. (Edit. I have put a stop to this already now as its obviously not right. Im looking for advice to convince her to stop beyond putting foot down.)

He is a well behaved normal teenager. He has friends he does the dishes. He plays xbox gets good grades and afaik isnt yet a drug addict or joined a cult. He wakes up with his alarm and doesnt miss school he just wants to sleep in on a weekend. Normal punishments used in house are taking away an entertainment device for a set period based on what was done. Eg.pushes his sister no xbox for a week.

Question: How do i have this conversation with her? Like an intervention. She hasnt crossed a line yet but im pretty sure sleep depriving a child can cross into child abuse. Shes a wonderful mom aside from this but shes just blinkered when it comes to other peoples sleep not matching hers.

Tldr. Wife wants to control a teenagers sleep schedule. How do i convince her this is a bad idea/impossible/potentially child abuse? Am i the one whose wrong here and he should be under a tighter schedule? Its litterally just later nights and mornings.

Edit. Its getting hard to keep up with all the posts and reply. Thank you all for trying to help and sharing your own experiences. Im not able to reply to everyone but i am reading as much as possible.

Edit 3. Its hit all now and most new comments are people who havent read my replies and are repeating earlier advice or going the full nuclear suggestions.

Thank you all so much for your input im planning to have a conversation with my wife friday night as sat morning would be her next trigger point. I wont be logging back into this account from here unless i decide to post an update.

10.7k
1.0k comments
41

Title says it all, but it’s more complicated than that. I need help Reddit. She’s claiming it was nonconsensual and she was black out drunk, that she feels ashamed and was sorting through her feelings, and that’s why she didn’t tell me. I’m inclined to believe that, but there are some issues overall.

Friday night she goes out to a party. I say I’m cool with that, and she comes back later by 1 PM. From what I understand, nothing happened. Saturday night she goes out to another party with friends… I also say I’m ok with this. She doesn’t come home. She didn’t come home until noon the next day. She’s profusely apologetic and tells me it was cause she blacked out and ended up staying the night on a friends couch – a friend I know well enough. I believe her. She’s done this before. We both moved out here for her program, so I don’t have any friends here and she’s new with her PhD cohort. So she goes to a party with them from time to time.

Sunday is rough, cause I’m sad and feel ignored by her from all of this. Monday comes around, which is my birthday. I hear from her a bit, but she never says happy birthday. She doesn’t end up coming home until 10 PM or so and I have to remind her its my birthday. She’s devastated, and again really apologetic. I’m hurt, but I push through it and convince myself it’s just a day. She’s a PhD student. You get busy. I understand.

Then comes today… Wednesday. All Tuesday she was distant. She continues to be distant today. When she comes home we do our normal “love you, how was your day?” thing. She goes to take a shower while I cook dinner. She’s left her phone on the kitchen counter and I see a text…. A text that makes me do something dumb. I check her phone. The text was from a male friend that said “sorry if I made you feel awkward before you left today,” which I thought was odd. I’m suspicious from the weekend.

Scrolling through it, I figure out she ended up sleeping with someone that Saturday night (not the same guy that just texted her, he’s just trying to help her with what you’re about to read). She was really drunk and feels this guy took advantage of her – used her. I feel my gut sink and I’m crushed. She didn’t tell me. Do I believe her? I confront her and she confesses this is true. She says she didn’t tell me because she’s been drinking and coping with it all and trying to figure out what to even feel about it and how to tell me. I want to believe that. Problem is I know from the message that there are two different male names being used when she talks about what happened. She only confessed to one… in my distress I didn’t push it. I feel overwhelmed, crushed, defeated, and confused.

I have a hard time trusting her now, and I at the same time feel terrible for feeling that way if what she says is true. But why not tell me about BOTH men? Why not tell me originally? She told others… but not me. Her partner of 2 years. She’s lied in the past, but never about something like this (when we first started dating she was married but separated, but didn’t tell me for a few months – she’s finalized the divorce by now). Before her lies had to do with her literal past life, rather than something in the present, so this hurts in a different way.

Ever since she started her program we’ve been having trouble being intimate. It’s hard for me to want to initiate with her when she’s always stressed, frustrated, and on edge. I’ve also personally been stressed. So it’s been difficult on that front. But she now claims she’s attracted to other people because I don’t initiate with her anymore – that I don’t try enough (we’ve had sex maybe 5 times since the start of semester, which is admittedly low). She has a very high libido, I do not. This does not mean I don’t enjoy sex. I’m just not a horn dog. This has been an issue in the past. It’s true that it’s been a real issue the last few months. But it broke my heart to hear from her that she was attracted to the culprit, even though she says she incredibly angry with this dude. She also doesn’t want to press charges, says it wasn’t assault, that “it’s not black and white like that.” She’s being honest with me now, I think. But this stance is puzzling to me. Regardles, she now tells me she feels I don’t want her sexually, which makes her attracted to others. She hasn’t acted on this, outside of whatever we want to say happened Saturday. She is insistent that it was nonconsensual, so I’ll believe her, although I admit this is a leap of faith.

This is all hard because I turned down a PhD offer so we could come to the program she wanted to. I’m here being domestic, cooking, cleaning, and helping her ease into the program. I have a small gig teaching to supplement income. I have no friends out here. I gave up a lot to make this work for her. And now that we’re having problems and I see that this happens from it all… just crushes me. If she was assaulted I want to support her, but I don’t know how. I’m devastated something like this could even happen. That she would get that drunk at a party. That someone would take advantage of her. And that she tells me afterwards that she’s attracted to him and considers him a friend!

She says I’m still the one. That she loves me. That I’m the only one she wants. She’s profusely sorry. She wants to work on things. She brought up being “open,” which I strongly oppose. She understands, says she only mentions it because others in her peer cohort have suggested it as a solution. She mentions we could have a veto system. Still, I don’t like that. I want to work on things, she seems to want to too. She’s down and says she doesn’t deserve me.

Here’s my questions for all of you: 1) what should I be feeling here, 2) how do I support her, 3) how should I be talking about this with her, 4) how do we move past this, and 5) am I a fool?

41
52 comments
562

So....where to begin, this isn’t a shit post but it probably seems like it to some, I’m still trying to figure it out and my feelings on it.

I (27F) have been seeing a man (34M) pretty regularly this past month, we’ve gone out on several dates, like 9 dates. We have a lot in common and always have really great date nights. We’ve kissed, made out, touched each other’s butts but never gone back to either of our places for more.

I figured hey we’ve both discussed some part of our past dating history in not much detail but I figured he just wants to take things slow, which I don’t mind. But I was kind of hoping we’d progress to sex eventually and was planning on asking him about it but then we almost had sex three nights ago.

We went back to my place after grabbing dinner and did the usual stuff, movie, make out, and I asked if he’d like to spend the night and he agreed. I told him while we got ready to sleep that no pressure from me but I’ll be sleeping semi nude (underwear) and if he’d want something more. That led to him being very affectionate and giving me oral but when I tried to return the favor, I went and felt for his (clothed) dick and....I’m not sure if he realized I felt it or what but it was incredible small. And erect.

But before I could do anything else he asked that we take things slow because he claims he doesn’t want to rush into anything, which hey fair BUT ALSO you just gave me oral so??!

I’ve never been with a man smaller than 4 inches and I don’t know how to proceed when the time comes. How do I please him if I think it’ll barely fits in my mouth?? I don’t know if this will be a deal breaker for me because I did very much enjoy the oral, sex is a big part of any relationship. But I don’t want to rush him or pressure him into anything so I’ll be waiting til he’s ready. I don’t want to be the only one receiving someone sexual out of this. It feels greedy.

I tried asking the morning after that what his stance on not rushing into sex was about, not to mock but just to honestly see what his opinion on it was and why.....and he said he couldn’t tell me, he wasn’t sure. I don’t know what to make of this at all.

562
189 comments
203

So basically my entire life as I knew it imploded last week when my sister told me that we have 2 half siblings on my dads side. Apparently my dad got two different women pregnant in his early 20s, offered to marry them both and they both said no. EVERYBODY on my Dads side has known this massive fucking secret for my entire life and just fucking forgot to tell me/us (I have 2 full siblings) . My cousin found out last year and finally broke down and confessed to my sister that my grandparents, aunts/uncles, mom , some cousins KNEW and kept it hush for whatever batshit reason

So, my sister only found out herself a week before, got massively drunk and then worked through the shock to tell me. I spent the weekend polishing off a litre of vodka but ultimately we decided that we definitely want to know them. So we emailed and they were so so excited to hear from us. Fuck, I don’t even think of them as half, I have a brand new older brother and sister. AND THEYRE FUCKING COOL ! NewBro™️ works for motherfucking Tesla... also I’m an aunt cause NewSis™️ has two sons. I love kids, I’ve always loved them and I have two nephews that I never even got to cuddle as babies. Also realizing now that I don’t know their ages or names yet.

Sorry if this reads like a crazy person is writing, it’s pretty fitting given my current mental state. Anyways, point is, my sister is coming over in a couple hours and we’re gonna skype them and “meet” for the first time. Currently, I’m laying on the floor and I might vomit. How do I even do this.

OH, they’ve known about me/us for their whole lives but have apparently never contacted us cause they didn’t want to explode our lives. My parents win the shitbag award for sure, what kind of fucktard neglects their own kids!! Like they gave us everyyyyything. AND I’m full brown but my NewSibs™️ are half white. So I’m the weirdly ethnic younger sibling from our Dads “real family” what the fuck is my life currently.

I always knew my parents didn’t have an ideal marriage but I always considered us so average. But overnight it feels like my life has become the shittiest written, ultimately rejected Hallmark movie screenplay. This shit would sweep at the Razzie awards

Pls help. Am adult. Feel like angsty teenager but also mostly like a sad 8 year old.

203
21 comments
338

Sorry in advance for this being long, jumbled, and unorganized.

My boyfriend (m21), who we’ll call T, and I (f21) have been best friends since high school. We began dating shortly after high school ended and have been for 2.5 years now. We now go to local colleges and live together.

Everything has been amazing. He’s incredibly kind, thoughtful, romantic, etc. We rarely fight or even get angry at each other. In the few cases we do fight, it lasts a short amount of time and we make up shortly after. T and I have always had each other’s backs, and I can’t imagine a day without him.

Yesterday, he was knocked unconscious after slipping and hitting his head at work. He was sent to the hospital where they diagnosed him with a concussion. I picked him up and brought him home where he stayed in bed for the rest of the day.

Around 9pm, I finished working on homework for university. I slowly and quietly went to bed, thinking T was asleep. When I laid down and slid under the covers, he turned over and looked at me. I smiled and asked “can I have some snuggles?” We love to cuddle before bed, so it was not an unusul request.

T immediately said, “seriously? Can I not have time or space to myself?” in a tone he had never used with me before. He then turned back over. I was honestly a little shocked. I whispered out a “sorry” and just laid back. I figured maybe he was just tired or annoyed with his current situation, so I just shrugged it off. I tried to scoot some of the comforter my way so I could warm up and go to sleep. T then looked at me, threw the comforter off of himself, and threw it in my face. He got up angrily saying “I’ll get my own f***ing blanket”.

I got up too, worried because the doctor said T should really stay in bed for the next few days. I said, “no, the doctor said to stay in bed”. I grabbed his arm and before I had even registered it, he back handed me across the face. I was so shocked and instantly started crying. T looked just as shocked as I did, but I didn’t give him a chance to say anything. I just said “go to bed.” I then left the bedroom and went to stay on the couch.

I stayed up all night trying to figure out what could have changed so quickly within him. Before work yesterday, T woke me up with my favorite breakfast in bed and snuggles. Within 24 hours, he had done things and talked to me in a way he never had and I never thought he would.

Where do I go from here? I have not seen him since last night because I left early this morning for class while he was still asleep. He’s been texting me all day to call him or go home so he can apologize. He’s so remorseful, which is exactly how T is for small arguments, let alone slapping me. Could the concussion have anything to do with this? Could it be the reason he was so quick tempered and not himself? Any advice on how to go through this would be helpful.

TLDR; Have been dating my best friend for 2.5 years. Barely fight and always get along. He was hit in the head and diagnosed with a concussion early yesterday. Last night he was not acting like himself, was angered quickly over something normal, then hit me. Can this be a result of the concussion? What do I do?

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114 comments

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Need help with your relationship? Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help!

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